Marriage Equality: Polygamists Unite! (a satire)

Polygamy cakeIt was not my choice, I was born a polygamist. Sure, my sexual orientation for multiple women took years to develop, but once it developed, boy did it develop. As a teenager I could not image loving only one woman for the rest of my life, I was in love with tons of women from the start. Once I became an adult I found myself in steady relationships with multiple women, and to my great surprise many of these women not only approved of my relations but desired marriage.

Everyone knows polygamy has a rich history and is still quite popular in many countries, but not in the United States of Discrimination. My soon-to-be wives and I are shocked at the hypocrisy; this nation which prides itself on liberty and the pursuit of happiness for all people singles out our form of marriage as unacceptable.

Who made up these rules?

By what rubric of logic does this country deny me the right to marry multiple women whom I love with all my heart? If love has become the single most important qualifier for marriage, then by what moral authority do these bigoted polygaphobes exclude me and my women from marriage?

There can be no argument that polygamy has no historic precedence, for it has a rather large historic footprint; there can be no serious religious opposition since it has been practiced in many of the major religions of the world for generations; there can be no financial argument since I am a man of great wealth and can easily support my wives and future children; there can be no argument from love since our love is as legitimate as any other married couple; there can be no argument that we are more prone to divorce for the truth is just the opposite. Indeed many practicing Muslim polygamists rightly identify infidelity as a main contributor to divorce arguing that polygamy actually provides a needed safeguard to compensate for a man’s natural desire for multiple women. And besides with all the divorce today among regular married folk, who would dare point the finger at us?

It is simple modern bigotry at its finest and it needs to stop. Polygamists Unite! Let’s fight to restore the ancient rite of polygamy and show these haters what real marriage looks like. Somebody make a Facebook profile pic to support the movement and let’s get this party started!


20 thoughts on “Marriage Equality: Polygamists Unite! (a satire)

  1. What about women with multiple husbands? Seriously curios to know your opinion on this topic. I do see polygamy in the Old Testament but don’t see it in the New Testament. Lots of the things in the Old Testament that happen aren’t necessarily in support of that action but a cautionary statement. Personally, I have no problem with anyone marrying any consenting adult or multiple consenting adults. Thank you for sharing.

  2. Oh, indeed, we’ll take all the female polygamists we can get for the movement. The more the merrier.

    (and, no, I’m not actually for polygamy, my endeavor here is to demonstrate the the one-sided-ness of the current debate for marriage equality. If it was truly a fight for “equality” the fight would logically include many, many non-traditional forms of marriage. As far as is there Biblical precedence for polygamy? Absolutely for those who wish to make the argument, but precedence doesn’t equal truth.)

  3. I understand your post is satire, but here is the point. Under federal law you are only allowed one spouse, and that is the crux of the issue. You can marry 7000 people if you want, however only one of those spouses will be recognized under federal law. As a gay person, I only want one spouse (I couldn’t possibly handle any more than that). Under the law in our country marriage is a contract between two people, the gender of those two people should be irrelevant under the law. That is the argument. Religious and moral objections don’t count when it comes to the Constitution or we would still have slaves and women wouldn’t be allowed to vote or own property.

  4. Under federal law at one point in our history you could own slaves a and women couldn’t vote… so… how is federal law an argument against polygamy? It should be changed, simple as that. But, since you are judging the rightness or wrongness of marriage bans based on current law, what is the argument for same-sex marriage? It is banned in 41 States; it was shot down by a public vote in California; it has never been the law of the land… I’m struggling to connect the dots here. Help.

    I just want what’s fair, my love for my multiple wives should be honored under the same logical constructs levied against the traditional definition of marriage in this country, i.e. one man, one woman. My request is actually far less radical. I’m only asking for one man, multiple women and/or one woman, multiple men.

    I’ll also take issue with the statement that moral objections don’t count when it comes to the constitution. It almost sounds as if you believe the constitution was written in a moral vacuum. This is essentially the argument that we cannot “legislate morality.” 100% incorrect. All legislation is moral legislation. Tease this out logically and you’ll see its merit. Take women’s right to vote – moral legislation. Take the abolition of slavery – moral legislation, etc. ad infinitum.

  5. Fascinating. If anything polygamy has far more support than gay marriage but the Mormons gave up the fight over a century ago. Maybe they can restart the fight after the gay marriage bulldozer has leveled the opposition!

  6. Well, in their defense, they gave it up in the face of military threat from the US government. I think they’d have a legitimate chance of getting it back today if they so desired.

  7. I would start to say they probably would not resume it because they prefer their family-friendly image, but then nowadays perhaps ‘family’ has been redefined!

  8. COOL! I get it. Great satire. Now you need to add an article for a genetic predisposition to beastiality and pedophilia.

  9. No, not at all Eric. I thought it would be a useful exercise to show your own stance to us, even better. But, really, no worries. Sorry to say, but I’ve been in such unremitting, gradually becoming intolerable facial neuralgia that it puts things in different perspective! (not seeking sympathy). I’ll test you on something else, when and if I am able. Best wishes. Keep well

  10. Dichasium, I had to look up facial neuralgia to know what it is. Wow, I’m sorry you’re going through that.

    Actually I would love to give my real argument but a few things prevent me: (a) so many amazing articles have already been written on the subject that I fear I would have little to add, and (b) I’m growing weary of the debate altogether since it seems that few understand what the real issue at stake is and even fewer, once told, want to accept it.

  11. Pingback: Polygamy/Western Adultery | GodAnalytics

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