Dear Self-E Nation Magazine:
Last night I was at the movies with my new girlfriend. Just before the movie started she hit the restroom which gave me a chance to prepare for our first kiss. All this last week I’ve planned to use this night for my ‘big move.’ Anyway, when she returned I grabbed her by the hand, looked her straight in the eyes, and with a sexy half-grin that I practiced in the mirror for days leading up, I told her, “Come’meer, you.” Taking your advice I didn’t pass up this chance to get a terrific selfie. I had my selfie stick in ready position, perched high above us to catch the big moment in big Hollywood style. But when we kissed I was so love-struck that I dropped the stick and the attached cell phone. It fell on a girl seated directly in front of us smashing her square in the face. Her date instantly jumped to his feet and spun around looking for who he had to kill. His eyes quickly found mine and I don’t remember anything after that except waking up in the hospital. This isn’t the first time I’ve woken up in the hospital after using the selfie stick and I’m starting to wonder if I should give it up. My friends warned me that even the thought of giving it up is an act of treason against my generation. Any advice would be highly prized.
Let me be the first to tell you that you’re not alone – not alone in waking up in the hospital after using the selfie stick, that is. You’re completely alone in wanting to give it up. Your friends are spot on, it is certainly an act of treason – high treason – and it would be very unlikely that anyone would forgive you for such bazaar behavior. Besides, think of how lonely you would be without the selfie. Who else will spend endless hours capturing photos of you, pretending with you that you look as good as you think you do? And about the theater thing, look, we all know a little innocent face smashing during the process of fake memory making is justifiable collateral damage. It happens. Not that we encourage it, in fact we at Self-E crossed this bridge long ago. We have an 8 week course that will teach you the art of limb independence, giving you the skills needed to maintain a balanced selfie stick, both physically and emotionally. Take the course and this little mishap need never happen again, and – bonus! – you will catch even more fantastic selfie of your planned spontaneous moments.
Don’t give in. Keep your head high, your stick extended, and be ready for action!
Good luck, Anguish.